I don’t know what I offer with this blog except for a place that I a) vent, b) rant or c) list a lot of goals that I have not yet achieved. Kind of stuffy around here as far as content goes, eh? My wife is finding and becoming way more secure in her writing, and I am so happy for her and to see it, but dammit! I am the creative one, why do I not express myself well in this blog.
Actually, that is the note I ended up wanting to talk about. She posted a good post something about looking in your neighbors window and lusting after their spouse and stuff and shit, or something like that. Wait no, it was judging yourself based on the kind of car your neighbor drives, that is it. We shouldn’t do that was her point and that she had been trying to write for others, instead of herself.
Go get them babe! Make sure to tell them all of our dirty laundry. Literally, the pile that grows on my side of the bed.
OK, seriously now though. Too much we judge ourselves by others standards and it is not fair to us. I am totally guilty on all counts of this. Man, I have been to the top of the mountain, I have held the ring son. What do I mean? Settle in, I will tell you.
It’s like this. I had never been a confident young man. I am shy, and I have many neurosis. It blows my mind that people look to me as a leader professionally and personally. But that is another story; I am shy. I would rather curl up with a book than go out, anywhere. Then I got fat, then I got a divorce (you all have read this part over and over), then I lost a lot of weight and on the way I stopped giving a shit what people thought of me.
THAT was the magic that is missing in me right now. Not giving two shits about what people think. I am so mired right now in being the guy that lost a lot of weight and gained it back. Oh yeah, people are saying and thinking it. But what happened to my Fuck Them attitude? I was balls out losing the weight the first time; I’d show up for a dinner ‘date’ wearing the shorts, tee and sweatshirt I had just worked out in, carrying my back pack and bleeding from the fall I took cornering too fast, and I DID NOT GIVE A SHIT.
I am sure people looked and judged, they always do, that is why the marathon was attacked this week (a basic judgment by one over another), but I have lost and need to find that feeling; I need to rise above the masses, hold my middle finger to the world, and be Mike, the impossible modern day warrior. I have fucking goosebumps right now.
This mid-week check in is different than I wanted to go; but I have ti tell you, this week has been one big pile of horse shit and I am ready for the weekend. Yep, I am broke, but it doesn’t cost a damn thing to sit out in the sun with your beautiful wife, reading, going to the gym, and just thinking about your place in the world and the good you can do. Doesn’t cost a damn dime.
As I was saying, before I got all Ted Nugent, was that on a scale of 1 to 10, this week has ranked bullshit. I mean, the Boston Marathon is attacked, some major shit goes down at my work, The pres and some Senator are mailed ricin, and then a fertilizer plant blows up in Texas. What the fuck? And on top of it all, I’m broke. Shit man, the doobies broke up?
But I have had some joys this week, here they are:
Daugher 1 drew a couple pictures for me
Daughter 2 and I have a new game called scrunch the face and blow air outta your nose
Wife is regaining her smile and swagger
Son 3 has worked out at the gym twice with me this week.
I think, personally, the good outweigh the bad this week, and over the weekend, I am going to thank the Goddess and the God for being there, listening and loving.
Be blessed all, go do some good. And if you see sons 1 or 2, tell them to call pops.