Week One and Done

There are very few things that can replenish your soul and are more gratifying to instant self-esteem boost than a good haircut.  Hopefully later today I am the recipient of said haircut.

The first week of the new year has been a good one.  I am coming a long way from where I was the last week of 2012 mentally and emotionally and that is a good thing.  I know that for those of us with addictive personalities anyway, it is hard to find balance.  People who have never dealt with addiction have no bar of comprehension to the spiral insanity that one goes down.  I have found in my 39 years that there are many things that you can be addicted to; booze, porn, food.  Some less obvious like hurt, shame and pain.  Lately, and for the last couple of years I have had less of a problem with the obvious addictions but have found myself hurting inside more than when I was.  Luckily, I have had the most beautiful family and most supportive friends surrounding me and carrying my weight for the last year.  I know I say it a lot, but that is why 2013 is going to be Epic, because I am really going to try to show these folks that their faith in me was well placed.  I am lucky.  In his own way, my boss even is supportive.  I am lucky indeed.

quick interjection from Mike’s asshole psyche – I have read several tweets, posts, status updates, etc. which proclaim that 2013 has already been amazing and cannot get any better.  Really?  I feel very bad for you, since there are still 359 more days this year.  You thought High Scholl was also the best time of your life too, didn’t you? 

One quirk that I’d like to get a handle on is my ability to build things up in my mind, good and bad.  I know that a lot of people build up events like parties or the holidays to epic proportions (see statement in second paragraph about making 2013 epic, I guess I am one of these too) then are a little let down when they fail to meet the standards.  I do this somewhat, but I do it on the opposite side.

Take for example, my Facebook post from yesterday.  I know the sarcasm is subtle, but try to read between the lines:

“GREATEST DAY EVER! I get to spend hours at the mall. On Saturday.  With teen, preteen and baby. Rock the EFF on!”

Amanda Before cut, this is one year ago - no haircut between

Amanda Before cut, this is one year ago – no haircut between

GORGEOUS!  she takes good photos, watch for her new blog coming soon

GORGEOUS! she takes good photos, watch for her new blog coming soon

OK, so maybe it wasn’t as subtle that I did not look forward to this event.  However, I had a good time. Amanda was donating her hair to Wigs for Kids (A really amazing event hosted graciously by Galleria Mall on sunset and with cuts and style donated by MasterCuts), Autumn and I got to spend some time talking, as did Anthony  and I.  The baby was very good.  We all shared cookies and had a nice lunch at MiMi’s Cafe.  So, shame on me for thinking I was going to have a bad time.  I am becoming my mother’s child more and more.  My mother does not like to leave her house, more on that another time.

The one thing I did not think through last week was that my workout schedule may have been  a little aggressive.  I think I was picking up right where I left off 100 pounds ago.  Nope, starting over a-hole.  As much as I am inspired by my blog-friends, I am not in the same place yet as they are. Someday, but not yet.  So last week, I made some gains, but not as many as my addictive mind thought I should but in an effort to understand better healing; I know that I am in a better place than I was one week ago and when I plan my workout this week, I realized I am going to have to take a few weeks to get back into shape in order to get back into shape, so I am slowing it down.  First, reducing the frequency and second reducing the intensity / duration.

For now, I guess that is as good as a weekly update as I can provide, and for those not entertained yet, hang with me – I am getting a book on becoming a better blogger, so have faith.

Ciao!

 Workout Week #2 all with my good friends at Fitness19 in Henderson

M – 30 minute bike, 5 minute cool down / 10 minute stretching

T – 2 Circuit resistance training / 10 minutes stretching

W – 30 minute bike, 5 minute cool down / 10 minute stretching

TH – 2 Circuit resistance training / 10 minutes stretching

F – 30 minute bike, 5 minute cool down / 10 minute stretching

Sa – 45 Minute bike

Su – Active Rest with family

I hate this

I hate being fat.  I hate that I have to work so damn hard at losing weight.  I hate that I look in the mirror and see someone that I hate.  I hate that there has been more than one relationship in my life that has been ruined by my weight and self-deprecation.  I hate that I can’t breathe when I walk.  I hate that I lost 125 pounds and then gained 50 of it back.  I hate that I cannot wake up to go to the gym.  I hate that the fact that I am fat impacts my ability to earn income at my work more than my lack of a four year degree.  I hate the look I get from people.  I hate that sometimes the only happiness I feel is when I am eating.  I hate the shame after getting happiness from eating.  I hate that I can’t climb, run, bike, swim or even just play with my damn kids.  I hate that I use terms like flip the switch or turn it around.  I hate diabetes.  I hate that I have diabetes and high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  I hate lying to myself thinking I am going to start, tomorrow.  I hate tomorrow.  I hate the alarm at 5 AM.  I hate my ratty tennis shoes that have holes in them and are barely hanging on.  I hate my new tennis shoes that I haven’t worn because I gained weight too fast at first and they do not fit.  I hate that I cannot sleep at night.  I hate the insanity creeping up in the middle of the night waking me in a cold sweat and keeping me asleep.  I hate that sometimes I fall asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night because I am so tired.  I hate pretending.  I hate that I know what to do and don’t do it.  I hate people telling me they love me anyway.  I hate it when my kids when they say “you aren’t fat”, I hate liars. I hate that my wife has to love me.  I hate it when my wife tells me go to the gym.  I hate when my boss tells me go to the gym.  I hate when my friends tell me go to the gym.  I hate society when it tells me go to the gym.

 I hate that they are right.

 Time to do something tonight, right now.  Not tomorrow.  Flip the switch and turn this around.

 I love my wife.  I love my kids.  I love to run, swim, climb, and bike.  I love to play with my kids.  I love going to the gym.  I love the look in people’s eyes when they see me at the gym.  I love the way my clothes fit after a few weeks even.  I love being tired after a long ride.  I love that I can get healthier and battle these symptoms. 

 I am learning to love me.  That is a hard process.

 I love that I hate that it is totally worth it.