At heart I am a pacifist. I would rather be diplomatic and resolve any tension by calmly discussing it and working it out. Note, I said at heart. But deep down inside there is this demon that likes to say fuck it, and sticks his head out and turns me into the heat miser that I really am.
Example for today, when I drive I am the supreme law of the land, providing civilian assistance to traditional law enforcement. You are welcome. You do NOT speed through school zones, you do not cut people off, and you do not drive like an asshole. If you do, you may run into the heat miser. The heat miser is known to pull the hand gun.
The hand gun, what is that? I do not literally mean I whip out a Glock 17 and fire 9mm slugs into you, your family or your car. No, the hand gun is, well, a piece of performance art that exists so that you know you are an asshole and I wish you, and everyone in your car was fucking dead. How dare you break the law of the heat miser?
Sometimes it is worse, much worse.
I was minding my own at a local gas station, pulling away when an elderly man in the kind of car made of concrete and steel, you know the old ones that drive like a boat, and nearly headed into me. The kicker was that this old piece of shit scowled at me as if I told him that Andy Williams use to go down on Bobby Vinton. So, the heat miser came out. You don’t want to make him mad; you won’t like him when he is mad.
I decided he was old, and all I needed was a .38 special today, so I circled back around and pointed the trusty Officers Special at him, and fired off a few rounds. Right into his forehead. The scowl grew deeper, and as his balls rose in fury, he threw some kind of towel or paper at me in my car.
WHAT THE FUCK? No way that old man did that. This called for immediate and complete retribution, scorched earth type of shit. We were way beyond handguns, but I did not want to punch an old man and be late for work, so I made the mature decision to stay in the car, and circle around again and discuss with him, exactly how I felt as he needed to verbally be told that I was angry and that his throwing of a towel at my car was unacceptable.
“Old man, I will follow you home, rape your wife and fucking kill you”
His jaw just hit the ground and I began to drive off the winner. I told you, performance art. I hadn’t gone 100 feet when I realized I had really kind of slapped karma and felt really, really bad and began to turn around again to follow him until he stopped so I could apologize. Luckily, it dawned on me that it was probably in my best interest to NOT follow him and try to apologize, especially if his next stop was home.
See, I am not violent, I am just pretend violent. In my mind I am the hip hop thugster, who uses to be a mugster. The great white vengeance. But in reality, I am a nice guy, father of 5 and avid hand gun collector.
Ask yourself, is it worth speeding through that school zone knowing that there are people like me out on the road? Ask yourself how bad of a driver you are if you have made me so mad that I pull up alongside of you, honk to ensure you are looking me in the eye, and progress to pull up the fully loaded James Purdey shotgun, aim, pump and fire off two rounds into you and your adorable friend; sending your black Escort sideways into the irrigation ditch off of the 215, as your gas can flowers into a burst of fire and carnage. Wow, you are a bad driver.
Of course, like I mentioned I am a pacifist and if you were not such a vehicular douche, we could probably discuss this over imaginary coffee at an imaginary Starbucks. But no, I have been forced to get creative and come up with the newest pieces in my arsenal, the blow gun and the ninja star. Coming soon is the wire guided missile strike, but that is still in development.
So in closing, please know that there are people out there like me who are here to enforce the laws of driving as we understand them, and have a nice day.
* Rape and violence is not funny, usually. 360nomore nor Mike condone the ACTUAL rape or killing of anyone.
- Second Amendment Alert: Nanny Bloomberg Is After Hand Guns (independentsentinel.com)
- School zone speeder busted with weed (cjonline.com)