Weekly Roundup: Week 3

download (1)Week 3 will live in infamy. I promised an update weekly, and that is what I am doing. I am not proud of myself, and I am not even going to countdown the numbers. BUT, I have hope. I spoke to Alex for 30 minutes this morning, which was way awesome. It makes me sure of my intent and desire in that ONE area. I think Amanda is behind me, now we just have to, well, make it happen and do it.

I had a good weekend of reflection, a friend of mine who use to work at C1B just completed his first Sprint Tri (Congrats Mike S.), and it got my energy re-invested. I am going to try something this coming week 4 which I have not tried before. Two-a-days on Monday’s and Wednesday’s. Kind of funny since I am goose-egged for this week. My big goal, the Pumpkin Man on October 19th. I am re-motivated to do a tri this year. I will still be GROSSLY overweight, but I will compete none-the-less. By my math, I will be between 260-250 pounds and that is about where I was when I fell apart. Even if it takes me two hours, I am going to participate.

The one thing that happened this week more than anything was the number of people who reminded me why I want to be thin. Some because of what and how they said it, and some because of how and what they have been saying. Here are some of the words I heard this week, some to me, about me and some not even related to me, but full of a reminder. You tell me which ones motivate:

 “Man, you use to ride the bike to work even when it was 112 degrees outside, we saw”

“You looked really good”

“You can do this man, you are too strong”

“I love you no matter how you are”

“I am tired of fat people thinking they are healthy, they aren’t…”

“Slow and Steady…”

“I am behind you, whatever you need”

Wow, some powerful messages; 6 of loving support and 1 of stupidity from a someone who equates skinny with healthy – Sorry, but fit is healthy, skinny is a measure of size. Words are magic, man, seriously.  Your tongue has no bones but can break many hearts.  This week I am dedicated to a) not saying anything negative and b) really trying to empathize and listen for anyone who really needs it.

Again, I am so lucky to have love behind me, and it kind of embarrasses me to have wasted 1 week when I only have 52 to get all 40 things done on my list. I won’t squander another, and that is a promise.

And in closing, and my weekly promise, the one thing I found that I liked about myself was that my resume is up to date. And it shines.

Talk to you mid-week.

Dark Secrets of a Wanna-Be Executive (aka creepy corporate culture)

An honest life is a hard life to live; that is a piece of what my 40 while 40 is about – really discovering the man I am and the man I am still to be.  But it is also about having fun, a lot of fun growing with my family and my friends and myself.  It is very hard to be honest with yourself.  I think it is actually easier to be honest with others, unless of course they are asking about you.

You like?

You like?

“Doing great, thanks!”
“We are all good!”
“Out of sight!”I probably said each of those once over the last week, the last one is a little weird, I agree.  Stuff it, I said it and I probably thought I meant it.  But the truth is, no, I am probably NOT at 100%.  I do not see myself the way other see me. I cannot for some reason, but I am trying.  And that is my week one item I like about myself.  I like that I can always try to be a best version of myself, and try to see myself the way others do.  I may not always show it, but I do; and often I like what they see. Sometimes, I see the truth of what they see and it inspires me.

Back to honesty, I had gone into this week with the utter intention of working out 7 days this week, working on the walking, moving toward running, etc. But the truth of the matter is that I have had one mediocre workout as it got interrupted by two of the beautiful girls in my life.  I REALLY need to get into the gym; for my health, love and family as well as my own enjoyment of riding the bike and lifting the weights.

Left, their idea of yoga; right, what it looks like for me (hell, I wish I was that flexible)

Left, their idea of yoga; right, what it looks like for me (hell, I wish I was that flexible)

There is a darker side too, to the weight loss.  I work in a corporate culture that rewards folks that are more fit.  I look at the executives at my company and for right or wrong, those that are “going somewhere” within company are runners, cyclists, athletes all.  I am regaled with stories of seeing the CEO at hot yoga (hey, for me, any yoga is hot and sweaty), or the AVP in Human Resources that is running the half marathon and so on. It is painfully obvious what I need to do to get ahead at work.  Fuck the fact that I have basically taught myself Business Intelligence Applications development, SQL Server and SRSS while employed and underpaid there, now I got to lose 140 pounds too.

**DISCLAIMER – I work for a great company, with great people under me, peers and leadership; I am fortunate to have great mentors and friends there, I just hate the fact that is sometimes is surface over substance in some views.  The company itself is a caring, community minded leader on the cutting edge of what or mission, vision and values are, and am proud of the work I do and for who, truly I am.  I also  know who reads my blog **Truly, I need to lose the weight anyway, but I digress.  Pardon my venting.

Basically then week one of 40 while 40 saw some highs and lows, I went and got the photo of myself at valley of Fire like I wanted and posted last time, so I can cross that off my list.  I wrote a couple of thank you notes to some colleagues. That made me feel good, to foster a thankful attitude.  I also wrote the rough draft of the letter to bio dad.  So yes, I did not work out, but I can cross three things off and am on track with two others.

What to do now?  I am headed to the gym with my wife who was just Freshly Pressed (awesome, baby!) where I will put in some work on the bike and some abs.  Then a steam.  This week, I plan on really focusing on getting back into the gym and getting ready for a couple of events that fall on the same day 35 days from today.  My mid-week blog will be about the events, hold your breath.

Thanks for stopping by.

FACTS Week One:
Weight: 345
Letters / Thank Yous written:  3
Gym Visits: .75
Items crossed of 40 while 4 list to date:  1
Days without SmartPhone:  11

I do better in odd years

My only resolution for 2013 is to accept the things that I am in control of and learn to let go and love myself.

  • I know I will not be running a marathon in 2013, but why not eat right, run more and race a 5K?
  • I know I will not be running an Ironman in 2013, but why not a Sprint?
  • I know I will not lose 170 pounds in 2013, but with hard work, why not 130?
  • I know I will not become father of the year in 2013, but why not a better father?
  • I know I will not save $5000 (cash liquidity) in 2013, but why not work hard, pinch pennies and save $1000?
  • I know I will not become the husband of Amanda’s dreams in 2013, but why not work to capture that romance and amazement we shared when we dated and be the real husband Amanda wants?
  • I know I will not become an executive in 2013, but why not get back to school and work at it?
  • I know I will not hike the 10 highest points in the West, but why not get at least 2, and share them with someone special?
  • I know I will not finish writing a novel, become a painter or photographer in 2013, but why not practice, practice and practice and feel good about what I have done?
  • I know I will not always be there for everyone who needs me in 2013, but why not try?  Starting with being there for myself?

I have a tendency to put too much on my plate, but 2013 will be all about putting me first (I have to, and I hope it does not sound selfish – but all other things will fail if I don’t), family and health.

 May the Goddess bless you and here is to hoping your 2013 is full of success, health and the love of friends and family.

 

I hate this

I hate being fat.  I hate that I have to work so damn hard at losing weight.  I hate that I look in the mirror and see someone that I hate.  I hate that there has been more than one relationship in my life that has been ruined by my weight and self-deprecation.  I hate that I can’t breathe when I walk.  I hate that I lost 125 pounds and then gained 50 of it back.  I hate that I cannot wake up to go to the gym.  I hate that the fact that I am fat impacts my ability to earn income at my work more than my lack of a four year degree.  I hate the look I get from people.  I hate that sometimes the only happiness I feel is when I am eating.  I hate the shame after getting happiness from eating.  I hate that I can’t climb, run, bike, swim or even just play with my damn kids.  I hate that I use terms like flip the switch or turn it around.  I hate diabetes.  I hate that I have diabetes and high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  I hate lying to myself thinking I am going to start, tomorrow.  I hate tomorrow.  I hate the alarm at 5 AM.  I hate my ratty tennis shoes that have holes in them and are barely hanging on.  I hate my new tennis shoes that I haven’t worn because I gained weight too fast at first and they do not fit.  I hate that I cannot sleep at night.  I hate the insanity creeping up in the middle of the night waking me in a cold sweat and keeping me asleep.  I hate that sometimes I fall asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night because I am so tired.  I hate pretending.  I hate that I know what to do and don’t do it.  I hate people telling me they love me anyway.  I hate it when my kids when they say “you aren’t fat”, I hate liars. I hate that my wife has to love me.  I hate it when my wife tells me go to the gym.  I hate when my boss tells me go to the gym.  I hate when my friends tell me go to the gym.  I hate society when it tells me go to the gym.

 I hate that they are right.

 Time to do something tonight, right now.  Not tomorrow.  Flip the switch and turn this around.

 I love my wife.  I love my kids.  I love to run, swim, climb, and bike.  I love to play with my kids.  I love going to the gym.  I love the look in people’s eyes when they see me at the gym.  I love the way my clothes fit after a few weeks even.  I love being tired after a long ride.  I love that I can get healthier and battle these symptoms. 

 I am learning to love me.  That is a hard process.

 I love that I hate that it is totally worth it.