I hate being fat. I hate that I have to work so damn hard at losing weight. I hate that I look in the mirror and see someone that I hate. I hate that there has been more than one relationship in my life that has been ruined by my weight and self-deprecation. I hate that I can’t breathe when I walk. I hate that I lost 125 pounds and then gained 50 of it back. I hate that I cannot wake up to go to the gym. I hate that the fact that I am fat impacts my ability to earn income at my work more than my lack of a four year degree. I hate the look I get from people. I hate that sometimes the only happiness I feel is when I am eating. I hate the shame after getting happiness from eating. I hate that I can’t climb, run, bike, swim or even just play with my damn kids. I hate that I use terms like flip the switch or turn it around. I hate diabetes. I hate that I have diabetes and high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I hate lying to myself thinking I am going to start, tomorrow. I hate tomorrow. I hate the alarm at 5 AM. I hate my ratty tennis shoes that have holes in them and are barely hanging on. I hate my new tennis shoes that I haven’t worn because I gained weight too fast at first and they do not fit. I hate that I cannot sleep at night. I hate the insanity creeping up in the middle of the night waking me in a cold sweat and keeping me asleep. I hate that sometimes I fall asleep on the toilet in the middle of the night because I am so tired. I hate pretending. I hate that I know what to do and don’t do it. I hate people telling me they love me anyway. I hate it when my kids when they say “you aren’t fat”, I hate liars. I hate that my wife has to love me. I hate it when my wife tells me go to the gym. I hate when my boss tells me go to the gym. I hate when my friends tell me go to the gym. I hate society when it tells me go to the gym.
I hate that they are right.
Time to do something tonight, right now. Not tomorrow. Flip the switch and turn this around.
I love my wife. I love my kids. I love to run, swim, climb, and bike. I love to play with my kids. I love going to the gym. I love the look in people’s eyes when they see me at the gym. I love the way my clothes fit after a few weeks even. I love being tired after a long ride. I love that I can get healthier and battle these symptoms.
I am learning to love me. That is a hard process.
I love that I hate that it is totally worth it.