Random Thoughts of the Dork King

Weak as week 4

Weak as week 4

So, here it is, Week 4. Holla at yo boy for keeping up on a weekly blog; other than that, I am not tracking well. But I have a little secret I am going to share a little later in this blog. Let’s say it was an awakening moment, ok? OK. So, first, lets get to the numbers.

Weight:  Hovering around 348 still
Letters / Thank you’s written to date:  4
Gym Visits (PTD – Project To Date): 5.75 (stalled)
Items Crossed off of 40 while 40 list: 2
Days without Smartphone: 28 (more on that)

Alright, I am going to break out the numbers.  I have not been to the gym in a couple of weeks faithfully.  Excuses, excuses, excuses (my asthma, too tired, busy at work, my vagina hurts).  OK, the asthma thing may be the only truly viable option.  I mean, busy at work?   I go to 24 HOUR FITNESS, they are always open.   This is where the weight and gym to date visits fall off the radar.  I am on week four, which is 8% done with the entire project, but still ahead of the Zulu hour of week 10.  Week 1o is where the rubber hits the road so to say.

Leaving the physical behind, I had an amazing mental win.  Suffice it to say, Amanda and I have been in a rut for a few weeks months (I got her permission to talk about it); and it all centers on learned behavior.  My behavior has been out of character for me for some time.  I am going to get help for this.  Admittedly, there has been A LOT on my mind (how am I going to continue to make finances work?  Is Amanda going back to work?  Do I want to stay at Credit One?) and instead of bringing my partner in on some of this, I was just sucking it up, and letting it continue to get to me, and it wore me down to the point where I had become defensive, and snappy at home.  This is not the happy, healthy relationship either of us wanted – we spoke, and shared, and it is going to get better we both know.

The other side to this mental victory is that speaking with a few folks that have either worked with me or still do, I am inspired to change what I am becoming into becoming what I want.  I WANT to get back on the rock, I WANT to triathlon, I WANT to ride my bike to work.  Well, what is stopping me?  Only my own assitude folks, I am the only one in control of what I can and what I cannot do.  Me.  Mike.  So, what is Mike doing tomorrow evening with son #3?  Riding a bike and lifting weights at the gym peeps.

Let’s Talk Smartphone, I have my EVO back, so I can officially kill the calendar there.

I want to share briefly an amazing place only 40 minutes from my house, called Techatticup Ghost Town in El Dorado Canyon Nevada (between Lake Mead and Lake Mojave).  Pretty amazing place, an old desert mining town just pat Nelson, NV.  lot’s of old buildings, weathered and beaten by the sun.  And when i think old mining town, I think of old busses, bombers plowed into the ground and trucks.  OK, for some reason there are a lot of old mechanical pieces, mining and what have you, on display – so if you are into Ghost Towns being visited by pickers, this is the place for you.  Take a look at my gallery below, and when Amanda approves her “A” roll of film, I will link you over to it.

Finally, what is on tap this week:
1. Start the stop drinking soda of my 40 while 40
2. Write 3 thank you notes / letters
3.  4 visits (at least) to the gym
4. Finish my book
5. Give 110% at work to finish up a few projects before handing some stuff off.
6. Take the 5 week picture (no change, right?)

That is it for today amigo’s, I will talk to you mid-week.  Love and peace.

La Verdad Amarga

The OG Heat Miser

This is an angry old man, bitter post. Something my boss would call a “Heat Miser” post.  What has my underwear all up in a bunch?  Two things, and they all relate to lies.  I love my firstborn boys, tremendously. Some day they will be older men, and understand where this comes from.  This anger is not directed at them, but about life in general and they are part of that.  As are you and I and all things.

I have fairly been abandoned by my two oldest.  It was expected from one, as all boys when they hit a certain age find romance, sex, love, sex, jobs, sex and sex and I was prepared, even though it was ill-timed.  The other, not so much.  My younger oldest has always been a little buddy (where his older brother has always been a good friend and son), as my younger has a sense of humor very similar to mine.  His abandonment of me stings in a way I was unprepared for.

I am angry that both of them have bought into their mothers lies and deceit and disillusionment and games she has played out against me for years.  I said it here, and she would (will) be reasonably taken aback when she reads it that for all the things wrong with us, she has been the greatest schemer, where I wore who I was on my sleeve.  And at some point, my boys have fallen into that trap.

I hope that when my boys become men, all that they can remember of their youth was a father who loved them dearly, though he had faults, and I tried to not to lead them astray or give in them a false sense of the world; and maybe that too is a failing.

Needless and reckless to say; and mom, I am sorry, I will not be wasting my limited resources coming back to a Salt Lake City, which has become a place I am not wanted by my main reason for coming each month, as it has just become a cruel reminder of the many ways I am not wanted there.  I will surely miss the greatness of the SL valley, and more importantly, the short times I got to see my boys, but in the planning of trips, I am continually told that there are plans, well sir, I am done planning.  When they are ready to see me again, I will run to them.  Until then, and I guess they are happy with it, a card for Christmas and their birthday is all that they want from me.

The second reason for my anger and probably less passive aggressive, is my lies to myself which I have discussed before.  I cannot continue living the lies I tell myself every day; that I am going to do this or that, I am going to be a triathlete, I am good at my job, I am happy.  I cannot be honest to myself and live that way, it goes against my greater sense of ethic.

The good news?  I can do something about it.  At least that I can solve, right?  Activity, Play, gym, healthy food choices, hiking, walking with my best friend, going to Lake Mead, going to the pool with the kids.  These things will allow the lie to fade and I will be left with the bitter truth.

I am just a man; a man faulted – no saint, a sinner, but doing the best he can, for those he loves.

Until next time, a more positive post, I assure you – just had to vent tonight.

Mike