This is an angry old man, bitter post. Something my boss would call a “Heat Miser” post. What has my underwear all up in a bunch? Two things, and they all relate to lies. I love my firstborn boys, tremendously. Some day they will be older men, and understand where this comes from. This anger is not directed at them, but about life in general and they are part of that. As are you and I and all things.
I have fairly been abandoned by my two oldest. It was expected from one, as all boys when they hit a certain age find romance, sex, love, sex, jobs, sex and sex and I was prepared, even though it was ill-timed. The other, not so much. My younger oldest has always been a little buddy (where his older brother has always been a good friend and son), as my younger has a sense of humor very similar to mine. His abandonment of me stings in a way I was unprepared for.
I am angry that both of them have bought into their mothers lies and deceit and disillusionment and games she has played out against me for years. I said it here, and she would (will) be reasonably taken aback when she reads it that for all the things wrong with us, she has been the greatest schemer, where I wore who I was on my sleeve. And at some point, my boys have fallen into that trap.
I hope that when my boys become men, all that they can remember of their youth was a father who loved them dearly, though he had faults, and I tried to not to lead them astray or give in them a false sense of the world; and maybe that too is a failing.
Needless and reckless to say; and mom, I am sorry, I will not be wasting my limited resources coming back to a Salt Lake City, which has become a place I am not wanted by my main reason for coming each month, as it has just become a cruel reminder of the many ways I am not wanted there. I will surely miss the greatness of the SL valley, and more importantly, the short times I got to see my boys, but in the planning of trips, I am continually told that there are plans, well sir, I am done planning. When they are ready to see me again, I will run to them. Until then, and I guess they are happy with it, a card for Christmas and their birthday is all that they want from me.
The second reason for my anger and probably less passive aggressive, is my lies to myself which I have discussed before. I cannot continue living the lies I tell myself every day; that I am going to do this or that, I am going to be a triathlete, I am good at my job, I am happy. I cannot be honest to myself and live that way, it goes against my greater sense of ethic.
The good news? I can do something about it. At least that I can solve, right? Activity, Play, gym, healthy food choices, hiking, walking with my best friend, going to Lake Mead, going to the pool with the kids. These things will allow the lie to fade and I will be left with the bitter truth.
I am just a man; a man faulted – no saint, a sinner, but doing the best he can, for those he loves.
Until next time, a more positive post, I assure you – just had to vent tonight.